Lessons From Fathers: Detoxing Masculinity p. 2 — Action
My last article shared how visiting my father sparked appreciation for classically masculine qualities. I talked about how many aspects of traditional maleness have been devalued and lumped into the murky badlands of toxic masculinity—that ill-defined term. I reported the 1990s Harvard research that portrayed masculinity as a “problematic construct” to use scholar Ronald Levant’s words.
I argued that there is no road to healing in labeling aspects of ourselves—especially those forged over millennia of evolution such as masculinity—simply as ‘toxic.’ Deciding that a fundamental part of us is ‘bad’ puts us at odds with ourselves. Pretending we can customize our personalities for whatever the popular ideological values are this decade is a dangerous game.
I was touched by how many people reached out to share that my article had helped them to language their own thoughts, to sort out a disagreement with a partner or to appreciate their own father—the latter apparently due to my emphasis on how trauma and masculinity interact. This gave me faith that a moderate glance at culturally inflammatory topics can help us forward.
My goal with this series is to inspire appreciation and safety around masculinity. My hope is that it encourages closeness and connection, particularly with those that we have misunderstood and feared. Even moreso to parts of ourselves that we have disowned.
I want people to back up and look at the relationship between the archetypal masculine yang principles of assertive striving and the feminine yin principles of receptive relating. This is about going beyond cultural conflict and remembering that doing and being are not at odds with each other. On the contrary, they co-create each other and therefore neither is a disease to be cured.
I should note, this article run has some challenges ahead. A great many people—men and women—have been deeply hurt by traumatic expressions of the masculine. Survivors of violence and abuse at the hands of men are not asked to read this as an easy reframe or like K thx I’m cured now. My writing is not pitched as a pardon for wrongdoings, but rather it challenges our attention towards a complex situation.
My belief is that trauma is healed when our awareness is placed beyond simply what is ‘toxic.’
Non-Toxic Masculinity
I recently asked a woman what she seeks in men and on the top of her list was non-toxic masculinity. It alarmed me that I couldn’t even think of an opposite term for ‘toxic’ that doesn’t have some kind of ‘non’ attached. Even a Google search for the antonym of toxic revealed circular options like non-toxic and harmless.
This sets such a low bar. At the very best we just mean neutral? Servers don’t come around to tables like, “Can I tell you about our special tonight? You’re going to love it. It isn’t poisonous.”
If the words toxic masculinity are top-of-mind (thank you Karine Jean-Pierre) but we can’t find terms that model positive maleness then we are in trouble. Have people been so hurt by men that basic safety in their presence is far fetched? Or is it easier to bypass our own contributions to strained relationships if the other person is simply a ‘toxic narcissist’ (terms that have exploded on social media as the explanation for relationship troubles).
The answer is complex and no doubt different for every person and situation. But either way, we don’t solve something by fixating exclusively on the problem. Men, boys and those that are highly masculine do not benefit from constant reminders that life means white-knuckling against their awful natures so that maybe if they’re lucky they will reach the milestone of non-toxic and harmless.
To be blunt, this is pathetic.
We need role models. We need heroes. We need the champions of old who honed their courage for the betterment of humanity. We need examples that the masculine dimension is not only compatible with relational feminininty but that the two were made for each other.
For examples of positive maleness, I’m looking less to the hegemonic giants like Dwayne Johnson. Unidimensional idols are inspiring but ultimately alienating since they lack the flawed humanity true role models have learned to make friends with.
Instead I look again to the working class heroes of last generation, painted over in an era of sensationalism and cosmetic filters. I look to our fathers whose personalities were not performed to build a TikTok following, but were the uncut gems that only with more life experience could I finally and fully appreciate.
Positive Qualities of Masculinity
It is important to mention that masculinity is only partially about men. Regardless of one’s gender expression, part of wholeness for everyone is a safe relationship with both our internal masculinity and with its forms around us. Save for a few instances where I write ‘maleness,’ I have generally left my language reader-inclusive. This is partially since my research has supported that—while it is far from the norm—a number of women endorse higher traditional masculinity than men.
I have so far written a list of seven or more positive qualities, inspired by what I saw in my dad and his friend. My articles all tend to turn into book chapters though. This is something I’m working on. For the sake of more frequent and easier to digest content I’ll be covering just one aspect of masculinity per article, today starting with action.
To balance out the discussion of masculine virtue, I will also share each quality’s shadow. That is, what happens when each characteristic is excessive. I hope this adds some nuance and definition to the vague term toxic.
Let’s get to it:
Action
The middle of 2021 challenged my dad to drive to Alberta to settle the estate of an aging and sick great-aunt who had hoarded years of items in her derelict home. During that summer’s record heatwave, he invited me to come help. Lucky me, hey?
Yes, lucky me.
This activated within me something I can’t fully comprehend. I would have dropped anything to join. This was a call to action and adventure towards disaster that was justified by a bigger purpose. It was the answer to every day spent on the internet chasing empty dopamine, searching in the wrong places for whatever we’re supposed to be doing with our time.
I made it to his North Okanagan home around 6pm and we left not long after, headed to his aunt’s house just outside Calgary. We drove the five ton truck all night, enjoying the spooky and peaceful nighttime highways of BC, kept awake by glowing signs, nightshift construction workers and good conversation.
When we arrived in the early hours I asked my dad if he planned to sleep. He simply replied you don’t need sleep every night. We then went to work dismantling the aftershock of hoarding.
It was exhausting. The walls closed in as we sleeplessly cleaned the artefacts of human suffering. We worked with our hands, navigating rats, mold, feces and what seemed to be the products of every infomercial selling hope like it could be purchased through instalments. Uriah Heep’s song Easy Living played like dark satire while we made modest dents in the horrorscape.
On one of many dump runs my dad connected with the facility’s sole manager, Doug. Doug was a stern but friendly man in a well worn t-shirt. He had known our aunt and had kept a watchful eye on her. Him and my father talked at length about our aunt’s struggles, anchoring constantly on what they had done, are doing or are going to do.
It was like something ancient started working in the two men. There wasn’t a question about should I help? With a suffering old lady, there was just a base instinct to do what was right. A primordial type of care that bypassed any sense of signalling to others look how good I am! or sharing a few photos on the Gram.
Care through action (acts of service for today’s explosion of Love Languages fans) without a shred of performance or boasting. I have offered my dad positive feedback for this sort of thing and I can’t even finish the sentence before he cuts me off. It isn’t about praise, it’s about doing what’s right. A problem means I’ll fix it. There is something religious in its significance that I respect.
The trip was one of the best weekends of my life and it felt like receiving an unspoken tradition of how to be in the world. Actions speak louder than words and represent a form of care and ‘showing up’ that predates language. A journey like this cemented what that truly means in practice beyond platitude.
The Shadow Side Of Pure Action: Don’t try to fix the problem… Just listen! If it’s all action without some effort to communicate feelings, those in relationship may feel worn down and underappreciated. Action might emerge from an ancient pathway of human care and accomplishment, but we aren’t hunter gatherers anymore. The world requires more nuance.
‘Words of affirmation’ is a term that a lot of the public now knows. Partners and children need to know it’s OK to make mistakes and not be perfect. Love does well when it is communicated explicitly. Verbal affection is a system that requires practice like any other and defaulting only to action creates unbalanced character.
My clinical team consults frequently on their work. One of the most common things counsellors hear from clients is how a parent communicated love through doing and buying things when what they needed most was to hear it in words. Relationships hit their zenith when affection is expressed through all of our systems, be they verbal, action-based or emotional.
Excessive action can also be a way of avoiding feelings that require acknowledgement for greater wellness. A lot of the last generation suffered on the train of enduring hard labour to someday retire and be happy, only to learn on retirement that they had atrophied their capacity to be in the moment.
Integrating Action
Action is a cornerstone of the masculine. Doing, accomplishing and moving directly towards outcomes. Building security with their own masculinity can particularly benefit anyone suffering from soft personal boundaries, excessive caretaking and emotional enmeshment to others. It is no virtue to give ourselves away to those who disrespect us. Sometimes in-sensitivity is required to protect ourselves from tyranny in all its forms.
One pathway to confident action is working with a professional. A behavioural counsellor or psychologist can help to entrain habits in relationships that come from deep self worth. A somatic or emotionally focused therapist can help look beneath depression and grief to activate righteous anger—the affective spark needed to stand up for ourselves.
Therapy aside however, I recommend time outdoors. Entering situations where the elements force decisiveness. Settings not burdened by excess information and endless yet empty technology. You might start with some simple camping and work your way up to a multi-day overnight hike where you are alone with the elements the birthed you, the people you trust and your own thoughts.
The forest doesn’t care about the virtue you perform or how charismatic you are. Its love is accessed through the harmony of right action. It has no internal chatter. God speaks in silence yet can be heard clearly underneath the starry sky.
Who are you and what do you want?
The Counterpart to Action: Let me finally mention something that may seem contradictory (which shouldn’t be a surprise to the readers that pointed out my contradictions in this article—I’m human so there are plenty more where that came from). The Confucianist concept of Wuwei or non-doing emphasizes receptiveness—the very opposite of action. Just as the pauses between musical notes punctuate rhythm and melody, it is the patient intuitive space between behaviours that defines the wisdom of our actions.
Thus, a master of action has healed their relationship to the feminine, contrasting masculine doingness with surrender and allowing so that everything they create is an act of spiritual mastery. At this stage, we are the Jaguar who rests—pliable and supple—only springing to action for the brief moment of hunting before returning to peaceful silence.
Closing Thoughts
There is a fire in you that has been suppressed by fear, rejection and all of life’s bruises. You are afraid of how brightly you burn, scared how it might hurt yourself and others.
But playing small helps no one and leaves us naked in the cold night. Hone your fire so that it keeps yourself and your loved ones warm. Trust yourself to act boldly and without hesitation, so that in predatory conditions what matters most is kept safe.
I have more Lessons From Fathers to share, including toughness, courage, and unspoken virtue. As with this discussion, I’ll include how these manifest when they’re excessive and how we can integrate them as lessons into our lives.
Join me next time on this journey forward through curious inquiry towards everything that makes us human beings and beyond.
If you’d like to see me react to any media or topics over video please private message me on one of my social accounts.
I’m Carson. I direct Thrive Downtown Counselling Centre—a major North American destination for counselling and psychedelic education. I have stopped working as a one-on-one therapist, limiting my clinical practice to group work with veterans and in the education of safe psychedelic use.
My goal for 2023 is to realize my place in humanity’s cultural discussion. I want to play a role in re-linking left and right ideologies that have lost their centre. I believe psychology, radical ownership of our emotional injuries and curiosity can help things along, particularly when presented with some music and comedy here and there.
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The opposite term is Divine Masculine; toxic is its archetypal shadow....same as how the Divine Feminine has as its shadow the toxic feminine. Heiros Gamos is the goal; restoring both of these beautiful archetypes to their original, highest expression. :)
Great article Carson and kudos for approaching this unfortunately controversial topic! I appreciate the term ‘sacred masculine’ as the healthy masculine counterpart/compliment to the divine feminine in each of us.